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    Pitches to save your literary website.

    Jessie Gaynor

    May 3, 2024, 3:20pm

    If you haven’t read yesterday’s New York Magazine piece about the former Cosmopolitan editor-in-chief and recently hired chief creative and content officer at The Daily Beast, I highly recommend it. It seems that the media industry, having tried pivoting to video, hedge funds, newsletters, and union busting, is back to rage-bait listicles. My favorite tidbit from the piece is that “according to another staffer, Coles proposed a list of ‘the five most obese members of Congress.’ The piece wasn’t assigned.” (A close second was the fact that Coles “assigned the politics team to reach out to gastroenterologists about whether the emissions were ‘stress farts or sleep farts.’”)

    Given that I have a vested interest in the State of Media, I decided to come up with some my own pitches to save the literary internet.

    • 99 author photo fails

    • Is unionization the new adverbs?

    • Why AI is good for books for books for books for books DESTROY DESTROY DESTROY

    • 7,000 typos that somehow made it into the finished copy of your book

    • 31 most unlikeable female memoirists

    • Can you believe how much the advance for this shit book was? (regular column)

    • A guide to the most conventionally beautiful, independently wealthy women in publishing

    • Consider the Hedge Fund: Or, how I learned to stop worrying and love my very smart, very handsome new boss from Krang Capital who definitely can read

    • 23 people from that reading last night who do, in fact, hate you

    Possible Pride and Prejudice sequels inspired by the Bridget Jones books.

    Brittany Allen

    May 3, 2024, 2:26pm

    Conceived as a modern day Elizabeth Bennetor at least, another woman in love with an emotionally unavailable manBridget Jones made a massive splash when she hit the shelves in 1996. Her diary, written by Helen Fielding and alternately derided and praised for its depiction of a neurotic, happy-go-nutty modern “singleton,” sold more than fifteen million copies. It also spawned three sequels, which were adapted into two blockbuster films of sharply contrasting quality. Word on the street is that a fourth film is fast coming down the franchise pipeline. This latest movie is adapted from the final(?) and controversial 2013 novel, Mad About the Boy, which finds Bridget widowed…and looking.

    Though I still think of the original Diary as one of the more successful literary and film adaptations ever (fight me), both the book and film sequels have given me pause. Without the frankly perfect structure of Pride and Prejudice’s plot to scaffold her journey, Bridget’s antics have veered from cringey to bizarre. (Drug busts in Thailand!? Vegan condoms exploding?!) As part of my emotional preparation to watch yet another Bridget story on an airplane, I’ve been thinking about the sequels’ relationship to the source material. When and where did Bridget get so far from Lizzy? Her source?

    This led to a thought experiment. What if Fielding’s inspiring textaka, Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudicealso had sequels, inspired by Bridget Jones’? Might we gain something from reverse-engineering the wacky modern plots back into the circumscribed universe of nineteenth century England? Could following the original Darcys point us to a better denouement for these great characters? Reader, what follows is the fruit of my wondering. Or: three synopses for sequels to everyone’s ur-favorite romantic comedy.

    *

    In Fielding’s first sequel, The Edge of Reason, Bridget is plagued with jealousy about her new boyfriend Mark (Colin Firth)’s Very Friendly relationship with a co-worker. Her friends persuade her to end thingsa plot point Fielding actually borrowed  from another Austen novel, Persuasion. After a stressful break-up, a heartbroken Bridge goes to Thailand on a work assignment andper Rotten Tomatoeshas “a dalliance with her disreputable ex, Daniel (Hugh Grant).” Some more zany things happen, but in the end of book and movie, Mark and Bridge reconcile.

    Now imagine, if you will, applying this formula to the Regency…

    Pride and Prejudice: The Edge of Reason

    After igniting Lady Catherine’s permanent ire and fleeing to Pemberley, Lizzy and Fitz settle into a pleasant routine. Lizzy now has grounds enough to muddy a million dress-hems. But because the landed gentry didn’t have to dirty their actual hands with, um, “work,” The Edge of Reason arc about Mark and Rebecca swanning around for business doesn’t entirely scan. Instead, I vote we take a page from Fielding and enlist another Austen property to tell this installment in the old story. Mansfield Park, anyone?

    In Pride and Prejudice: The Edge of Reason, Fitz goes to the colonies to oversee the operations (read: sugar plantations) responsible for his fortune. He’s accompanied by his bestie, Bingley, as well as Lady Catherine, her daughter, and the good reverend Collins, who aspires to missionary status.

    Initially bored in her husband’s absence (because again, NO ONE HAS A JOB), Lizzy invites her old pal Charlotte over for an extended stay. Thrilled to be parted from her hubby, Mrs. Collins is ready to turn up. She insists on throwing a ball at Pemberley. But the tackiest Bennet sisters get wind and glob onto the event planning, and before Lizzy can protest the evening has spiraled out of control. On the night of, we’re in epic house party mode. Priceless vases are imperiled. To the madame’s chagrin, Lydia’s trash husband even makes an appearance. But surprisingly, Mr. Wickham invokes pity, marriage to Lydia having clearly worn him down. There is an extended, punch-fueled sequence in which Lizzy wanders the grounds of her estate with her ex, who, it must be said, remains a charmster. But in a characteristically manipulative move, Wickham enlightens Lizzy as to the source of Darcy’s fortunes, a subject he’s always been cagey about. On learning of what really goes on at those Antigua plantations, our heroine is distraught.

    The rest of this sequel would follow Lizzy’s moral crisis. Can she keep wandering the gilded halls of Pemberley, knowing how the sausage is made? Can she look her beloved in the eye? When Darcy returns, there’s a feisty confrontation. Lizzy wants him to abdicate their fortune and make reparations; the unemployed fussbudget will not. Things look bad for the couple until Lizzy rises early one morning and happens to catch her husband jumping into his favorite lake. I can live with it, she thinks, throwing wide the silk curtains to better admire Fitz’s damp physique. They kiss and make up before making a half-hearted long-term divestment pledge, and resolving, in the short term, to boycott sugar.

    *

    In Fielding’s third book and its film adaptation, Mark Darcy has been sidelined. Turns out he and Bridge haven’t been able to stay “bewitched, body and soul.” At top of book and movie, we find Ms. Jones killing it at work, but romantically adrift. Until an American (McDreamy) appears to sweep her off her feet.

    There’s a dalliancethen a wrinkle, in the familiar form of return-of-the-ex. Mark and Bridge have an unexpected rekindling. A zygote is discovered shortly thereafter…but who’s the daddy? Cue, hijinks! Drama!

    Lizzy Bennet’s (Lack of a…) Baby

    This is a tricky one to reverse-adapt to the Regency, given that divorce was all but verboten in England until 1857. (And even then, per Sybil Wolfram’s study on the subject, it was “granted by Parliament only for adultery, and women could not procure a divorce unless the adultery was compounded by other forces, such as incest or bigamy.”:-/)  Let’s say then that Lizzy and Fitz experience a mere alienation of affections in their third installment. The beginning of this sequel would find the Darcys living like another bummer/fictional/English couple: Edward Casaubon and Dorothea Brooke, of Middlemarch.

    It’s not hard to picture Austen’s taciturn Darcy holed up in a study like his Victorian descendant. But what might have prompted such a flight from the nest? To reverse-engineer the paternity plot for the era, maybe Lizzy and Fitz’s troubles arise from a failure to produce an heir, despite their still-rocking romance. Lizzy’s turning the haggard old age of thirty soon, and her mom’s really breathing down her neck. Meanwhile, Jane and Bingley have a passel of tow-headed children. Charlotte’s got twins. So the Darcys feel isolated. The marriage is suffering under the weight of society’s prejudices, and Fitz’s evergreen pride.

    This third sequel would follow the couple’s slow reconnection, and chart their coming to terms with the size of their family. I’m seeing this one as an introspective, coming-of-self kind of text. Lizzy would spend a lot of time reconnecting with her proudly child-free sister Mary, and begin to see her for the studious baller she always was. The book ends with the couple on a double date holiday in the lake country with the Gardiners. Everybody gets lifted on mead, and there is much rejoicing. Who needs heirs?

    *

    Fielding really rocked the fanbase with 2013’s Mad About the Boy, a sequel that found Bridget Jones the widowed mother of two. That’s right: Darcy was dead, to begin with. (But he went out in a flash of heroism, after stepping on a landmine “negotiating the release of aid workers in Sudan.”)  This fourth Bridget novel, whose starry adaptation is coming to a Roku near you in 2025, injects a familiar formula with flashes of pathos. Bridget dates, she grieves, then dates again. She’s still a mess, but she has heavy reasons to be so. And this being a rom-com, something like love seems likely to find her, in the end.

    Lizzy Bennet: Sad About the Man

    This is a plot that would pretty much scan in the Regency era. But I crave a little more novelty. Let’s say, in our fourth and final(?) Pride and Prejudice installment, Fitz returns to the West Indies fueled by his and Lizzy’s renewed interest in divesting from that ill-gotten family fortune. (They’ve had a lot of time to think about their values, in these intervening years of eat/ball/loving alone in their mansion.) But while touring the Antigua plantation, Darcy is murdered in an uprising. A devastated Lizzy returns to England alone. Her friends and family flock to her side. She gets into horses. She reads some books. Towards the end, she meets a young, broke hottie after William Wilberforce and gets into abolition. It’s hard to get over Marksorry, Fitzbut Lizzy discovers a fun new crowd in the Quakers agitating for manumission. In anticipation of her spiritual descendant, Jo March, she and the new beau convert Pemberley into a revolutionary, integrated girls’ school.

    And there is much rejoicing.

    (@ me, Penguin Random House.)

    Houses from literature that Airbnb could definitely trick us into booking.

    James Folta

    May 3, 2024, 12:09pm

    Airbnb, the vacation rental company and possibly why your rent is too high, recently announced a line of movie tie-in rentals inspired by cinema classics, including the house from Prince’s Purple Rain and a very precarious-looking, dangling recreation of the house from Up.

    While Disney adults craving an adrenaline rush might love being rocked to sleep in a house hanging from a crane, it’s not everyone’s ideal vacation. Here are some pitches for more literary-themed rentals that might better suit readers looking for a getaway.


    The UES Apartment from My Year of Rest And Relaxation
    Perfect for when a long weekend just isn’t long enough. A whole year will fly by in this rental apartment with a very comfy bed and 24/7 access to an extremely shady psychiatrist.

    The House of Mirth from The House Of Mirth
    READ THE BOOK BEFORE YOU RENT! The “mirth” here is ironic at best and while the house looks great from the street (captivating architecture and a gorgeous yard), the longer you stay the more things will break down (toilet only works if you went to “the right schools”).

    Really only good for short trips, as the longer you stay, the more you’ll see that the thin facade of social manners and gilded opulence is merely papering over an underlying corruption and rot.

    Trinity College Dublin from Normal People
    Relive your confused and formative college days on the campus featured in the Sally Rooney novel! Ideal for a horny and internally conflicted getaway—do not miss the intrusive thoughts and the conversations about the Communist Manifesto.

    Not recommended for family trips, but dads might enjoy pretending they’re studying medicine alongside another famous Trinity grad: Steven Maturin from Patrick O’Brian’s Master and Commander books.

    Paterson, NJ from Paterson
    Do you love William Carlos Williams’ epic poem and want to see the town and its famous waterfall for yourself? Stay in this beautiful and well-appointed house, and learn about the town from the newspaper clippings and photocopied sections of history books scattered around.

    And stop asking about plums! The renters are absolutely sick of plum jokes.

    Grendel’s Mom’s Cave from Beowulf
    Look, it still counts as “lake-side” even if it’s technically under a lake. A great place to stay if you looking to save a little money—there’s no cleaning fee and you’ll get a discount if you bring bones with you.

    The Round House from Le Morte d’Arthur
    Inspired by King A’s famously-shaped table, this rental apartment near Columbus Circle is completely round in every way, from the shape of the rooms, to the furniture, to the books, which have all been trimmed into circles and made into unreadable erasure poems.

    This is a great place to get away with your boys to discuss honor and the times you fished old rusted crap from lakes.

    The Raft from Life of Pi
    The raft is constructed out of detritus and life vests, just like the book! And don’t worry, we’re not delusional—the rental raft isn’t adrift at sea, it’s in a backyard pool at a very nice LA house, and the tiger is a gassy French Bulldog named Salvatore. Though after a couple days of giving Sal all his daily medicines, you’ll probably wish he was a tiger.

    Florence Apartment from Dante’s Divine Comedy
    This is a beautiful, spacious rental right in the heart of Florence! There’s nothing hellacious or punishing about its huge bed, claw-foot tub, and sunlit terrace with views of the Duomo, perfect for a morning espresso.

    There is however an illegal multistory basement that gets dirtier and more troubling the deeper into it you go. DO NOT go down there without a guide.

    One great short story to read today:
    Senaa Ahmad’s “Let’s Play Dead”

    Emily Temple

    May 3, 2024, 10:30am

    According to the powers that be (er, apparently according to Dan Wickett of the Emerging Writers Network), May is Short Story Month. To celebrate, for the second year in a row, the Literary Hub staff will be recommending a single short story, free* to read online, every (work) day of the month. Why not read along with us? Today, we recommend:

    “Let’s Play Dead” by Senaa Ahmad

    Surely the most absorbing—and, more importantly, deranged—take on the story of Anne Boleyn that you shall ever read. 

    The story begins:

    There was a man, let’s call him Henry VIII. There was his wife, let’s call her Anne B. Let’s give them a castle and make it nice. Let’s give her many boy babies but make them dead. Let’s give him a fussy way of being. Let’s make her smart and sneaky, because it’s such a mean thing to do.

    Let’s make it so she can’t escape.

    Let’s seal the bottle, and shake it, and shake until our hands fall off.

    Read it here.

    *If you hit a paywall, we recommend trying with a different/private/incognito browser (but listen, you didn’t hear it from us).

    Grab your tickets for Freedom to Write for Palestine.

    Dan Sheehan

    May 2, 2024, 12:57pm

    If you’re in New York City next Tuesday, May 7, why not head on over to Judson Memorial Church on Washington Square, where more than two dozen writers and musicians will be performing their work to raise money for We Are Not Numbers, a youth-led Palestinian nonprofit project in Gaza that provides the world with direct access to Palestinian narratives.

    Freedom to Write for Palestine

    Freedom to Write for Palestinewhich is being organized by Palestine Festival of Literature, Writers Against the War on Gaza, and Amplify Palestinewill feature writers (including Michelle Alexander, Hari Kunzru, Marie Myung-Ok Lee, and Parul Sehgal) who withdrew from PEN America’s (recently canceled) World Voices Festival and Literary Awards due to the organization’s response to Israel’s war on Gaza.

    It promises to be a memorable evening of story, song, and solidarity in aid of a very worthy cause. Space, however, is limited and tickets appear to be selling fast, so grab yours here before they sell out.

     

    ​​​​If you are an author who has withdrawn from the World Voices Festival, the organizers of Freedom to Write for Palestine encourage you to join them on May 7.
    Email info@palfest.org.

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